remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
