Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
