She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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