Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
