My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
