well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
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I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
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Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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