I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
