sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
