I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
