He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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