someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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