Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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