U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
