I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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