I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
