I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
