Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
