im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
