Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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