I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
