so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
