Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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