my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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