Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
