News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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