The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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