I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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