god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
