If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
