I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
