This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
