U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
They took my balls.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Randomize
