yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
