just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
