thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
