My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
This house was built for laser tag.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
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