I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize