I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
