Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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