I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
