I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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