my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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