she looked like the bat from fern gully.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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