She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
