I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
