i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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