I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
And then my night got REAL pukey
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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