the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
