you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
