my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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