I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize