I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
