Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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