in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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