Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
