If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
