so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I have tasted many bathrooms
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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