My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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