Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
