When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
